If there’s one quality I admire in myself, it’s my stubbornness. Some call it grit, others call it moxie, but I just call it stubbornness, probably because it manifests in lots of different ways. These manifestations aren’t always immediately positive. But.

No matter what, I am stubborn. If there’s something I want, I am determined to have it. If there’s something I want to do, I will figure out how. It may take me a while. I may (okay, I definitely will) complain about it if it’s hard. But I’m stubborn and I’m going to get there.

This isn’t a thinly-veiled humblebrag. I said my stubbornness hasn’t always worked out in my favor, which is true. It has, however, always, always, always worked out for my growth and good, even if I couldn’t see it at the time.

So, stubbornness. Who cares? I guess I do. A few years ago (almost four to be exact), I decided I wanted to start a blog. I have stubbornly kept this blog—its hosting, domain name, and all its ilk—for four years now, updating intermittently, going dark for months at a time.

I still haven’t given up that goal of really starting a blog, writing regularly (consistently, even!), sharing my experiences with the world. All that junk. I know that as an avid consumer of online content, I look for writers that connect with their audience. I think there’s a lot to be said for the Return of the Authentic Blog™ …  and I’m gonna talk about that in an upcoming post, I think.

All that being said, you can take one look at my sidebar and … you will probably notice I haven’t updated since February of 2018. Oops. THE REAL IRONY IS THAT I WENT RADIO SILENT ON A POST THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RECURRING CONTENT. HA HA HA. That’s what I call comedy.

A lot has happened since February, some of which I will keep pretty private, some of which I’m sure I’ll talk about eventually, none of which I feel like talking about currently. Things look so different than they did then. February and March were rough, and in early April, it all sort of came to a really horrible head and … kaboom.

One of the things I started doing when my life exploded was journaling. You know, in a paper journal. I have some friends who roll their eyes at me calling it a journal. They want me to call it a diary. I’m not sure why. I guess it’s a diary. Is there some sort of difference? I don’t know. Talk amongst yourselves.

Regardless of what you’d call the book I kept it in, I started writing. Daily. About everything. The mundane little things that happened. What I ate for lunch. The bills I needed to pay (not fun). Things I saw (sometimes fun). Whatever thoughts were swirling in my head (sometimes fun, sometimes really not fun). The feelings I felt I couldn’t publicly express.

I just wrote. And it was really good. Healing, even. I felt like writing made things less dire. Things suddenly weren’t merely happening to me; I was happening in the midst of them.

Right now, I’m not writing daily in my journal, mostly because I don’t feel the practice immediately necessary to keep me from going bonkers. I write here and there as I please, and it’s just as good as it was when I was writing daily. I had forgotten how much I liked writing.

I like writing. I like writing for myself. I like writing for other people. I just like to write.

I didn’t forget my blog. I’ve probably thought about my blog every single day since the last time I wrote. I’ve also thought about the millions of things that people like to tell folks they should or have to do with their blogs … and I got overwhelmed and annoyed and felt behind and inadequate and just … didn’t write here.

I’m looking forward to sharing things again–not because I have to, but because I want to, because I like to do so. It’s October, after all, and I’m stubborn. I won’t let this season pass by without squawking about it on the Internet.

Look, y’all, it’s 2018!

And where have I been? Rather than start by relaying everything I’ve missed or been doing, let’s just start where we are. Right in the middle of it. In medias res.

Did you know that overwhelm is a real thing? This is probably not news to you. Honestly, it’s not really news to me, either. I think we are all pretty overwhelmed by something in our lives. My overwhelm is probably a little bit different than yours. And that’s a verified Martha Stewart Good Thing™.

I think overwhelm is why I have avoided writing. What do I say? It’s going to take forever to catch everyone up on all the things I’ve done, seen, whatever. I’ve kind of been feeling that way since 2018 started. There’s so much to say. I’m overwhelmed.

I spend weeks or months kicking myself for not saying anything, knowing that I should say something, and then, for whatever reason, one day (and it turns out that this day is February 12th), I decide to just open up Notepad and start typing.

So, here I am. In medias res.

In some English class or another in school, we learned about narratives that started in medias res: works of literature that began in the middle of action or the events in the book. Past events and exposition are revealed in various ways, but you don’t experience those events in real-time.

For now, let’s just say this is a narrative that is beginning in medias res. Maybe I’ll explain what’s been going on, where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing … but let’s just start here, in the middle of the present, the now.

I look forward to writing even more frequently and voraciously as I realize that it’s not necessary to recount the past, but merely describe the present. I don’t have to go back and write a history.

I can live in the now.

In medias res.

Photo by Dana Marin on Unsplash

It’s 8:00 AM on a Wednesday. I have stumbled out of my apartment to walk my dog. I haven’t yet brushed my hair or my teeth. I’m wearing a Minions shirt (adorned with some very nice paint splatters from a show work day last year), yoga pants, and off-brand lime green Crocs. Clearly, I am a fashion plate.

My morning walk is often one of the most pleasurable parts of my day.

I put in my earbuds, switch on a podcast (NPR’s Up First is great to get me updated on the stories of the day), and walk. If we time it just right, Lily Munster and I can catch the ducks from the lake as they parade across the street to the house that always has breadcrumbs for them.

I was looking forward to my walk yesterday. And everything went just as it usually does. Earbuds were in, podcast was on, dog was walking and sniffing and doing all the things that dogs do.

As I walked along the edge of one of my apartment complex’s parking lots, a pickup truck pulls into a parking spot. Nothing out of the ordinary; I ignore it. People come into parking lots all the time.

But then I notice a man poke his head out of his driver’s side window and motion for me to remove my headphones. I do.

“Could you tell me where 603 is?” he asks.

I live in a different building, so I look around for the structure that has those numbers so I might be able to point him in that direction. My eyes search the buildings surrounding us. It couldn’t have taken more than five seconds.

“I’m just kidding you,” the man says.

I stare blankly back at the dude, unsure if he’s aware that he just made the Unfunniest Joke Known to Man™. I’m not particularly annoyed, just confused. Does the man think he’s funny? Why is he talking to me? How do I respond?

I force a laugh and begin to put my earbuds back in, but before I do, the man has something else to say.

“I was wondering if I could … see your tits?”

Nope. I heard wrong. No way. There is no way this guy just asked me to take my top off in a parking lot at 8:00 AM.

“What?” I ask, convinced that my ears are somehow deceiving me. But they weren’t deceiving me.

“Can I check out your tits?”

“No,” I flatly stated.

“Please?” the man asks.

“No. I’m sorry,” I replied.

And then I walked away and I didn’t look back.

In these moments, you always think you’re going to transform into Wonder Woman and use your Lasso of Truth to whip guys like this into shape. You imagine that you’d give them a piece of your mind. You’d tell them off.

I’ve done way more dangerous things than tell a dude off. 

But I didn’t tell him off. I apologized for not showing him my breasts. I actually said sorry to the creep who was sexually harassing me.

I apologized for being violated.

This is not the first time I have been sexually harassed or catcalled. I am, unfortunately, just as sure that it won’t be the last time. Things like this happen to women every day, in every possible place.

It happens on the street. It happens at the supermarket. It happens outside churches.

It even happens where you feel you might be safe, walking your dog in your apartment complex parking lot while wearing a paint-covered Minions t-shirt, gray yoga capris, and off-brand lime green Crocs.

It doesn’t matter what you look like. It doesn’t even matter if you say no.

I told a male friend later that night about my experience and he said, “Man, you don’t think guys like that really exist.”

But they do exist. They always have. And what’s more?

We’ve been telling you about them since time immemorial, and you didn’t believe us.

You didn’t want to believe we were lying, but … really, come on, who would actually do that, right? How could someone be so brazenly horrible? Seems like a big city problem. You’ve got to expect that kind of stuff in Chicago or New York City. Pretty sure that stuff just happens in movies.

Riddle me this: why would women lie about men being horrible to them? For sympathy? Why would I degrade myself for sympathy? Why would anyone do that? What possible benefit do I get from telling someone about being violated? Does a pile of money just drop into my lap? Do I get a star in my crown?

We aren’t lying and we aren’t exaggerating. This sort of thing happens all the time. It’s happened to probably almost every woman you know (although I wish I were wrong on that one). It happens in New York City, but it also happened to me in Wichita, Kansas. It happens to your little sister, your best friend, your mother. But it doesn’t matter who it happens to, because it’s wrong to happen at all.

Believe women when we tell you about our experiences. Believe that these men exist. Believe that there is so much work to be done to make the world safer for us.

I want to believe that I will never again have to apologize to my harasser for not giving in to his will, but I also know that my self-preservation instinct will do anything it can to keep me safe in this world.

Dear Internet, dear reader, dear anyone, please believe women. That’s all I ask. Believe us.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

While I’m sure that chestnuts are roasting on an open fire somewhere, here in Wichita, Kansas, yours truly has Jack Frost nipping at her nose in her ground-level apartment. It’s chilly in here, y’all. And before you ask, the thermostat is set at 70, so.. it’s not like I’m trying to save (frozen) pennies. I just get cold easily, apparently.

I seem to be doing better than last year, though! Progress! I swore that this year, the year of our Lord 2016, I would not be wearing two sets of pajama pants, two sets of socks, a shirt, and a hoodie (zipped up, duh) to bed… to sleep under my four (count ’em, FOUR) blankets.

I told you I get cold.

I did myself a huge favor and moved my bed from under the window in my bedroom. My highly scientific observation (re: singer paranoia and anecdotal evidence) is that this keeps me from Drafty Winds™. It seems to be working well so far–while I’m still wearing a light sweater and slipper socks to bed, I haven’t felt the need to Suit Up™ to do what normal humans do for 6-7 hours a night. I also got a rearranged room out of the bargain, which has just got to be good for my psyche or something.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, Y’ALL.

Y’all know I love seasonal things, so I’m trying to slow down and savor this holiday season as much as I possibly can. I felt super cheated out of fall this year (singer scheduling can be a beast, man), despite consuming practically every pumpkin-related thing in my immediate (and not-so-immediate) vicinity.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed in the mess of parties, gift exchanges, concerts, and last-minute get-togethers. Get on Pinterest (here’s my Christmas Pinterest board) and lose yourself in the recipes, the gift ideas.. It’s easy to forget just how much we need to stop and pay attention to what’s going on around us.

Things are pretty bleak in the world right now–and they have been for awhile, honestly. It feels like the ugliness of humanity has just been bubbling under the surface for quite some time, and it has taken some recent current events to make a lot of us acutely aware of it.

It’s almost like this season–this holiday season–is coming at just the right time. We need a little goodness and cheer right now. I don’t think the world needs another Dirty Santa gift exchange, but it sure could use a few friends or coworkers coming together and laughing and sharing. It could use a few more book and toy drives, people taking time to donate food for holiday dinners.. it could use a lot of those things year-round, really. It’s a shame that it takes us until November or so to start acting like we care about our fellow human beings.

My friends laugh at me because I decorate my voice studio office door for the holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, various December holidays…). I laugh, too. I buy things from the discount store and hang them up on the walls. I wear silly hats.

But I don’t know.. maybe there’s something more to it, for me. I tell my students all the time that you’ve got to have something silly in your life.. something silly, something that no one can take away from you. Something you can turn to when things are tiring or frustrating.

Me? During this time of year, when I smell cinnamon and apples and fresh pine needles, when I drink hot cider, when I can admire lights on houses.. when people seem to care just a little bit more about each other, when I find the perfect little gift for a friend or family member..

It never really seems cold in my house at all.

Can I be honest with y’all? I know I can, because you’re my Invisible Internet Audience™, which means I can always talk to you.

It’s November. Yes. Which means it’s been.. a hot second since my last post. (For those of you playing at home, my most recent update was in May.) I didn’t write a single word over the summer.

Now, that doesn’t mean I didn’t think about writing. I definitely thought about it. There were times over the summer when all I wanted to do was scream from the top of my lungs about the things I was experiencing and feeling–things that I haven’t felt or experienced for a long while, and things I don’t really wish for anyone to feel or experience any time soon.

What I should have done was take out my personal diary and write those things down. Process those things fully but privately–in a way that still made me feel like I was telling someone but not, you know, telling someone (like my Invisible Internet Audience™).

But I didn’t do that either, honestly. I did, however, talk to some really cherished friends and family members (y’all know who you are, shout out to you), who put up with me despite my endless talking in circles (I kind of feel like I’m doing that right now?).

Instead of processing my feelings like a mature human being, I took a lot of bubble baths and watched more than my fair share of bad court television. I told you I was good at wallowing.

Anyway.

This is all to say that the past few months have been difficult, but ultimately good. Hard, but necessary. Refining, in a way.

The last few months have tested me; they have asked questions that I am not sure I can answer now (or maybe ever!). … which reminds me!

I first learned about Rainer Maria Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet during my summer at Arkansas Governor’s School. Rilke’s advice is not just for artists; it rings true for anyone who’s a member of the great mass of humanity. I walked into my Area II class (thanks, Bryan Cwik [now Ph.D! man, tempus fugit] with this quote on the chalkboard:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

I learned a lot of things from Bryan Cwik’s Area II class, but this is probably the thing that has changed my life the most. I picked up a copy of Rilke’s letters and devoured it. I return to his words again and again when I need inspiration, comfort, or guidance. Excerpts are posted on the door to my voice studio so my students can read them.

This seems to be one of those times when I needed to read Rilke’s words again.

I am, perhaps gradually, without noticing it, living along these distant days since my last post into the answers that the questions of this summer asked of me.

In short, it’s good to be back. I’m glad you’re still here, Invisible Internet Audience™.

Cross #1 off my Summer 2015 Arkansas Bucket List–this weekend, I attended the World Famous Bradley County Pink Tomato Festival (and I have the t-shirt to prove it).

Continue reading →

In 53 short days, I will no longer be living in Arkansas full-time.

I read that sentence, and while I understand it–I know what it means–I don’t really grasp the gravity of it. The last time I left home “officially” was for college, and I was more than ready to leave. I was 18 years old. I hadn’t applied anywhere in-state for school. I had two feet out the door.

That was six years ago, though, and one undergraduate degree later, I’m again getting ready to leave my home state for school, this time in Kansas. I can’t help but think about all the things I’ve left undone here.

One thing Arkansas isn’t offering, though, is enough opportunities for classical musicians like myself. And so we leave. We have to, if we want to have any sort of performing career. (And God bless the people who are working here to revive the arts community here in central Arkansas and beyond).

Arkansas is my home. It’s not a perfect place, by any means–sit down with me some time and I’ll be glad to tell you all about a few things that need fixing. But it’s filled with good people who are working tirelessly to enrich their communities and to change the not-so-great parts. I’ve gotten to meet these folks and witness first-hand some of their efforts. I’m convinced Arkansas is changing and growing for the better.

Anyway. None of that really obscures the fact that come August, I will no longer be a full-time resident (except for tax purposes, if you know what I meaaaaan) of Little Rock. Time is ticking and I have so much left to do! Cue the sirens.

I want these last 53 days to be memorable, so of course I had to do the typical millennial thing and create a bucket list. Arkansas has a LOT of cool stuff that I’ve yet to do and experience–picking these 5 things was not the easiest task in the world.

Thankfully, this is just a ‘summer 2015’ bucket list and not a ‘I’m never coming back, see you later Arkansas’ list. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO.

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Am I living an authentic life? What does that even mean, anyway?

I was mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook feed when I noticed two of my friends posted links to the same ESPN article. It was a powerful profile on the life, public and private of Madison Holleran–and her eventual suicide.

Its revolving theme? Her social media. Madison was a promising student and star athlete, attending the University of Pennsylvania, where she ran track. She, like most other college students, also had an Instagram account.

How could the seemingly-happy, smiling college freshman in the photos on Madison’s Instagram end up jumping off of a nine-story Philadelphia parking garage?

Everyone presents an edited version of life on social media. People share moments that reflect an ideal life, an ideal self.

…

Checking Instagram is like opening a magazine to see a fashion advertisement. Except an ad is branded as what it is: a staged image on glossy paper.

Instagram is passed off as real life.

The truth is, no matter how wonderful life looked like through filtered Instagram snapshots, Madison was having a hard time.

No one can ever really know why Madison Holleran took her own life. We can speculate to the cows come home on what her friends, family, or therapists could have done to intervene. We might think of our own experiences with suicide–how we could have helped.

Who knows? I don’t.

There’s a huge buzzword in the blogosphere right now–“authenticity.” We need to be living authentically. We must create an authentic life.

The problem? No one seems to truly define what this “authentic life” is, and while an argument can be made that the definition is intentionally made vague so that you can “form your own definition”, I think the issue is a little deeper than that.

What is curious to me is that so many preaching the Gospel of Authentic Life™ seem to also have the most curated, branded lives. They style their supposedly candid Instagram photos (you cannot tell me that all four members of your family wear your brand’s color palette EVERY DAY, ma’am). They say the right things in their weekly re-caps. They’re relentlessly positive.

And I think that’s dangerous.

Some of this is just very strategic marketing. We’ve gotta hustle, y’all, and I get why it’s important to present an image that our ideal client (whoever that is) might want to have for themselves. I do. I get it. It’s savvy.

I’m no stranger to this life-curation thinking, either. I do it all the time! I’ve strategically presented the best parts of my life to the Internet because I’m scared of what it means to present the uglier parts.

How will what I say on social media impact my career?

Who hasn’t taken a selfie and then agonized over which filter to use to make sure my eyes look a little bluer, my eyebrows look a little more defined, my double-chin a little less prominent?

Who hasn’t waited until the exact right time to post a Facebook status for maximum ‘likes’?

Who hasn’t felt just a little bit cooler when a tweet goes mini-viral?

(I’m sure that someone is reading thinking [well, I haven’t! Not me!] and to that I say: hooray! good for you! I am but a weak millennial.).

I don’t want us to stop doing any of those things I listed above. But only posting the happy-go-lucky portraits of ourselves, those carefully curated, branded images of our lives and experience?

That’s not living an “authentic life,” blogger lady, and I won’t believe you for a second when you tell me that it is.

I want us to post more selfies. I want us to send photos of our happy, cheesy grin faces into the world. I want us to celebrate our lives, our experiences. And there’s no better way to do that than by sending that out into the digital world for everyone to see! 

But I also want us to live in a world where it’s okay for us to be vulnerable on social media.

There is no guarantee that posting the sad and frustrating parts of life on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram will lead to fewer articles like the one I posted.

But there are so many benefits to making our online spaces safe for people’s unfiltered (pardon the pun), unbranded thoughts.

A world where we can openly talk about our struggles with mental illness and other life struggles is a world I want to live in.

Seems pretty authentic to me.

Earning extra money while working a full-time job and maintaining my practice schedule is no joke, y’all.

In preparation to move 450 miles away to Kansas, I’ve been thinking of ways to save and earn extra money.

Since I’ve been home, I have been lucky enough to have reduced cost-of-living by staying with my mom (shouts to the Tixqueen!).  Let’s be clear, though, I totally have expenses right now, too–just not as many as I’m going to have in Kansas.

Maybe you thought that I had amassed quite a nest egg for my eventual move during my gap year from undergrad to grad. “Surely she has some savings,” you thought, stroking your beard!

I would have laughed and dissolved into a puddle of operatic tears, because it costs thousands of dollars to apply to graduate school and travel to those auditions. I’m still taking donations for frequent flyer miles [/shakes tin cup]. But I digress.

Being the resourceful Girl Scout that I am, I’ve been thinking of ways I could earn a little extra money while still maintaining my practice schedule and sanity.

Here are just a few of the ways I’m earning some FREE money by doing absolutely nothing that I wouldn’t otherwise do:

1. Cash Back Grocery Apps

You’ve gotta eat. This is non-negotiable. Why not get some cash back for the purchases you already make at the grocery store?

There are a host of totally free smartphone apps that can help you with saving money on food–sometimes, if you combine these promotion with coupons, store loyalty programs, and store-specific deals, you can even make a profit! Here are a few of my favorite grocery cash back apps:

1. Ibotta

I use Ibotta the most out of all of my grocery cash-back apps. All you do is sign up/download the app, unlock rebates, and then head to the store.

Once you’ve gone shopping, you submit your receipt and verify your qualifying purchases. Then bingo–cash is deposited in your account!

You can redeem your rebates for either cash (via Paypal or Venmo) or gift cards. Easy peasy!

You might be worried you won’t be saving money because you’ll be buying things you wouldn’t otherwise buy in order to get the rebate. Do NOT do this–just use Ibotta for the purchases you’d already make! What I really like about this app is that they always have rebates that aren’t for brand name or packaged products.

For instance, right now they have a rebate for soda–any brand (including generic store brands). There are always produce rewards, too.

Join Ibotta here: join Ibotta.

2. Checkout 51

 Just like Ibotta, Checkout 51 pays you for the purchases you’re already making. Pick the offers you like on everything from apples to deodorant, go shopping, upload your receipts, and get paid!

For those of you not into gift cards or dealing with Paypal, Checkout 51 pays you with a check. Yup. It’s that simple!

I like Checkout 51 because they’ve got a “pick your own offer” option, where you can select from a few different things for a rebate. This week, I’ve gotta buy potatoes, so I’m saving on that!

3. BerryCart

Maybe you’re worried that saving money on groceries means having to sacrifice your healthy eating. Nope!

With BerryCart, you can earn cash back for eating healthy and by purchasing organic, non-GMO, and gluten-free products. That means all you Whole Foods and Sprouts junkies won’t have to give that up!

Once you’ve hit their cash-out threshold, BerryCart will pay you back in your Paypal account or you can select pay-out in the form of gift cards.

2. Swagbucks

I’ve been using Swagbucks for years and couldn’t tell you how much money I have saved. There are SO many ways to earn Swagbucks–which you can redeem for gift cards to hundreds of stores (or Amazon, which is what I use mine for).

Watch videos, take surveys, enter sweepstakes, or just use their search engine and get paid for searching the web. Yes, really.

I get paid in Swagbucks to search for “cute cat videos” because I have their search engine installed.

If you do a lot of online shopping, many online retailers will give you Swagbucks for every dollar you spend (just use their online portal).

Join Swagbucks today!

3. Paid Surveys (via InboxDollars)

When I come home from a long day of rehearsal or work, I like to sit on the couch with my dog and do absolutely nothing.

Doing nothing is fun, but doing almost nothing and earning money for it is even better. That’s why I use InboxDollars.

It doesn’t take any energy–just a little patience–to complete surveys and free offers that earn me money. Also, by receiving a few emails, I earn cash, too!

Survey-taking is a little more irksome than other ways to earn cash, to be honest, but there’s always a trade-off. I recommend you get a dummy email account so you can avoid cluttering your mail email accounts.

4. Tasking Apps (via Receipt Hog and Shopkick)

1. Receipt Hog 

Go to a store. Buy whatever you want. Upload the receipt. Earn coins, which you can redeem for Paypal cash or Amazon gift cards. Easy!

Join Receipt Hog, use my referral code (jamp6282), and you’ll get extra spins to earn even more cash!

2. Shopkick

What I love about Shopkick is that I can walk into a store, not buy a single thing, and earn points toward cash back.

Shopkick shows you deals at stores near you, but you don’t even have to buy anything to earn.

The location-based app allows you to walk in and earn “kicks” just for being in the store. JUST FOR WALKING IN. You can earn extra kicks by scanning items, which I find super fun, because it’s like a scavenger hunt!

Cash your kicks out for gift cards. Join Shopkick and get money just for window shopping.

What ways do you earn easy money? Have I missed anything? Let me know in a comment below!

(This post contains referral links, which allow me to save a few extra pennies at no extra cost to you! Help a diva out, y’all.)